420 ftw
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
