She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
