Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
