I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
