Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
