Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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