my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
