Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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