I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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