omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
