I am spending my child support on dildos
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
