I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
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in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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