Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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