She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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