Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
