..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Define "chronic" masturbator.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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