My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
