I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
