matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
