She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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