Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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