i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
