bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
