Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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