did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.