I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
