just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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