Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize