i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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