Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
