Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
