Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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