I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
