I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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