Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
