I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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