I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
