Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
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Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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