More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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