Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just threw up on my dentist
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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