i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
