i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My breasts were aching with rage.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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