He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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