yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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