Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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