one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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