We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
