your parents love me but you hate me
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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