I wish my penis had an off switch
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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