Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
