I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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