I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
