I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
