oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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