I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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