if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
