I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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