like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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