she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
