I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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