why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
