My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
