1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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